Just a girl with a dream

For any nonbelievers- bare with me (bear with me? I never understood which bearing/baring you’re doing in that situation), I promise I have a good point.

Let me start this off by first saying this:


I am not perfect. I sin. Daily. Sometimes minutely. 

But lately this world has been so hateful. Let me first label the topics I plan to touch on:

1. Gay marriage

2. Trayvon Martin/racism in general

3. Hate

1. I feel as though you can infer this from the title of this post but I will go ahead and say it: I am a Christian. Methodist, to be exact. Throughout the past few years of the issue of gay marriage/adoption/everything else I have had many different opinions. I started as many Christians from the state of Alabama did: IT’S AGAINST THE BIBLE! NO WAY! MAKE IT ILLEGAL! But now that I’m older and wiser I sat and thought and came to this:

I believe that homosexuality is unnatural. I believe it is a choice. But I do not in any, way, shape, or form believe it is MY right to vote on YOUR actions. Did you get to vote whether or not I could lose my virginity at 14? Did you get to vote on whether I could get drunk at 16? Absolutely not. My actions are mine to answer to, as are yours. I do believe that homosexuality is a sin. And I know that God tells us to flee from sin, but I fail. Others fail. I have a sexually active relationship with my boyfriend. Not husband. Not even fiance. We use contraceptives. These are all things against the bible. I will answer for this. It is my choice. Just as it is yours. As a Christian, I refuse to bash homosexuality. They are people, with feelings, they are in love. This world is a cruel place, I just choose not to participate. 

2. It has recently been announced Trayvon Martin was on drugs when he died. I have just one question: have YOU ever smoked pot? If not, congratulations. You’re a better person than I. I do not believe that gave ANYONE the right to kill him. Zimmerman was told to back off, and chose to pursue. He was wrong. Period. After that, it does not matter if Martin attacked him. My only objection to that belief is if Martin was so high he was tripping and going around acting a fool and tearing stuff up and being a threat. But, in my understanding, that was not the case. 

What does make me side with Zimmerman though is the media. Dear. Jesus. Christ. I took a media and society class and fought, to no avail (since I worked at a news station), to say that the media does not play sides. Yes. They. Do. Trayvon Martin was a 17 year old (in my understand..) 6’4” large black male. Not that stupid 12 year old picture they put all over the news and internet. He was an intimidating person. NOT BECAUSE HE WAS BLACK. But because he was large. He could hurt someone. Also, he wasn’t the “good innocent” kid everyone had made him out to be. He had been suspended multiple time, and wasn’t the sweet angelic kid he was made out to be. Zimmerman didn’t shoot a child. He shot a man who was much larger than he. Also. FUN FREAKING FACT: ZIMMERMAN IS HISPANIC. STOP MAKING THIS A RACE CASE. UNTIL A WHITE GUY FOLLOWS A BLACK GUY AND KILLS HIM FOR NO REASON THEN BACK THE HELL OFF. Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest too. Anyways. Here’s my outcome: Zimmerman should have backed off. He didn’t. He’s wrong. But with the stand your ground law, my understanding is it made it legal for him to shoot Martin as soon as he attacked him. I wasn’t there so I don’t know if anyone was provoked, either way, I am THRILLED to not be the jury for that case.

3. Today the world is full of hate. Christians hate gays. Gays hate Christians. Blacks hate white. White hates black. Apparently Hispanics hate blacks too. Hatred towards models for eating disorders. Hatred towards obesity. Hatred towards the government (e.g. President, health care, national debt, etc). Poor people hate the rich. My question is why? Why hate anyone? I know that not everyone is a Christian and some don’t care about the Lord’s commandment, but don’t you think the world would be a better place if it wasn’t full of such hate? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know if we all accept each other it won’t turn into sunshine, butterflies, and unicorns (we couldn’t get that lucky). But good grief. I, sadly, am on facebook, twitter, and pinterest daily. And I see many racial/religious/political/etc arguments on facebook daily. Often twitter trends are topics that people argue over. And on pinterest the other day I stumbled across a pin that was making fun of Twilight as a joke (which I agreed with, HP for life! But seriously..) and there were over 200 comments on it of people FLIPPING OUT and fighting over HP and Twilight. I have NEVER seen such HATEFUL things on such a silly topic. I also saw a pin about “What not to say to people dealing with infertility” and it was SO sad the hatred people put on their. PEOPLE. ARE. CRUEL. And I so badly just wish it would stop. 

So here’s my challenge to you: next time you want to get angry, whether it’s over an argument previously mentioned or being cut off in traffic or whatever, kill them with kindness. Just be nice. You never know what they are going through. It could be nothing, but your kindness could change them. Let’s start a revolution. 

It’s been two months since I got on here. I’d say I’ve been busy. But that’s a lie. I just forgot about it. Well, sometimes I’d remember, but not have anything of any importance to say. Not that I have anything of any importance to say now. Just wanted to write a few thoughts down.

RANDOM THOUGHT TIME: Seriously guys, I hate my job. I am a communications major DESPERATE for a job. Currently, that takes up like 50% of my time. The other 50% is given to this amazing boy who I’m with. 

This is what leads me to the lame, cliche, cheesy, and always hated “Everything happens for a reason” quote. But seriously. Stay with me here. We’re going to walk around a forest to get to step two, cause I tell great stories. So listen.

Have you ever noticed how amazing timing is? I’ve known my beau for 5 years. I had a crush on him when we met, but he was 5 years older, I was a freshmen in college while he was recently graduated and we never hung out. Plus he was dating the president of my rival sorority and wasn’t allowed to hang out with me because I wasn’t the right sorority. 

Anyways, so a bunch of alum were in town to hang out about 6 weeks ago and he was one of them, we hung out then and have been together ever since. He is unbelievably sweet. But here’s the thing: for the past year of my life I’ve looked back at some choices and been furious with them and wished I could change them. For example, I wanted to go to Auburn for college and my parents wouldn’t let me, claiming I’d get into trouble (true, but still made me angry). So I picked a small, private faith-based school to play tennis. I quit after one year. About my senior year I wished I had transferred but it was too late. After graduating I got in a huge fight with my parents that my senior year at Auburn would have been the national championship year and because of them I didn’t get to experience that. I hated the fact that I took a shitty job in the same town as my college because I hate this job and this city. But here’s the thing: had I gone to Auburn we never would have met. Had I transferred I wouldn’t have been invited out that night. Had I not taken this job I wouldn’t have gone into town for that visit, only knowing maybe two of those older guys. All of these ridiculous little things leading up for what we have now. Now, I’m not saying right now that he is my destiny or we’re soul mates, etc. But I am crazy about him. And I’m just overwhelmed by how we got to where we are. And how every little thing does in fact lead to something big, even if we don’t ever realize it. 

This past weekend this amazing guy and I talked and decided I should move to Birmingham, where he is. Because even though it’s not a very far distance, it limits us to only weekends and we don’t get to spend as much time together if something comes up. Plus here’s something you might not be aware of: gas prices suck. Plus I want a new job and new place but don’t want to move farther away from him. It’s a big step, but I think it’s a step in the right direction. Who knows, he could be the one. He could just be a stepping stone to the one and my soul mate lives in Birmingham and he’s the one who lures me there. I don’t know. But today, I’m happy.

See? My school sucked. A lot. And I missed a national championship season as a student. And I lived in a city I hated, working at a job that I hated, but that was all temporary. If it leads me to forever happiness, then I’m okay with all of it. <3 

I LOVE this song. If you don’t like country. Or don’t like this song. Then you suck. It’s an awesome song. You should check it out. It’s called “Wild One” by Trisha Yearwood. This year is it’s 20th birthday. (I don’t celebrate songs birthdays, I just was curious as to when it came out since I knew it was old and looked it up)

Anyways. Lately I’ve started wondering what in the WORLD I’m supposed to do with my life. I thought by now I’d have it all figured out. But. I don’t have any of it figured out. I don’t like the city I live in. I don’t like my job. But I have no idea what I want to do. Or where I want to go. I have ideas. Suggestions. But. What if I up and move to a place a thousand miles away for a job that sounds awesome for me to only realize that it’s not what I want to do a few months later? I’m not that daring of a person. Even though I’d like to be, I’m not. And as much as I hate this awful city I live in, it’s familiar. And I like that. 

But back to the whole what’s-in-my-future thing. I’m a secretary. I went to a private school and my education was $100,000 over 4 years, $25,000 per year. I don’t even make that much a year. Seriously. I didn’t NEED to go to college to be a secretary for the rest of my life. And I assure you even with my high school degree I was far too smart to stuff envelopes for the rest of my life. On that note. I. HATE. STUFFING. ENVELOPES. It’s like the worst thing ever. Folding letters, stuffing envelopes. I get dry hands and paper cuts and it’s just awful. It’s mindless work. And I hate it. I’m tired of it. 

I’ve applied for about fifty jobs this year. Anywhere from Washington D.C. to California, as far north as Chicago and as far south as Fort Lauderdale. It scares me. I’ve never been more than an hour away from my parents. And not that I’m a big homebody. But I like being 3 hours from my grandparents, able to go visit for the day. I like being able to drive down to my hometown for my cousins t-ball or football games. Not to mention, it’s only a 30 minute drive to God’s country for a Heavenly Saturday. War Eagle. I look at all the things that I’ll miss if I move away and it’s terrifying. But it hurts even worse staying here knowing there is nothing for me here. I’ve been in this city for 5 years now. I hated it 5 years ago and nothing has changed. Except me. I’ve changed a lot. And for the most part. I’m happy with the change. It just sucks. Wanting to pack up and leave. Seriously. I would pack up and leave right now if I had somewhere to go and a good job. I’d be a secretary somewhere else if I had to at this point. I just can’t stay here. It’s driving me crazy. 

Nonetheless I hold out. Knowing that when it’s the right time and place and everything is perfect, I’ll know. And I’ll go. Until then I put up with this place and know that I’m here for a reason. 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

Exes. We all have them. Lately I’ve thought a lot about the whole idea and reasoning of exes and their actions. 

I guess I should elaborate. Have you ever thought about the different types of relationships you have with your exes? They all have their own category. I mean, they’re broadly in the “ex” category. But they’re also in subcategories. I’ve gone through my exes in my head and found the following categories:

The one who got away
The ones I never think about
The ones I wished I let go of sooner
The ones that never seem to get over me
The ones I can’t even be in the same room with without one of us dying
The ones I’m best friends with
The ones I do the occasional lunch with

Now. To back up and explain where this topic came from. I have exes that are married, that have kids, that have turned into complete party animals and seem like they’re never going to amount to anything, that are going places, and so on. But I’ve been thinking about them lately cause a lot have contacted me, some have announced new pregnancies, and one recently deleted me from facebook claiming he “can’t handle seeing me anymore”. Either way. That led me to thinking about all of my exes and many things about them.

1. Why is it that some break ups are so bad and some are fine?
Yes. I know the obvious answer here. Some are more serious, some have back stories (i.e. cheating, abuse, etc), but some seem to be the same and it just never end the same. I think it’s safe to say anyone you date you care a lot about. So why can’t you be friends in the end? Some people say if you weren’t friends before you can’t be friends after. I can see where that can be true but I can also use examples where it’s not true.

2. How do you determine who is “winning” the breakup, and does it even matter?
This one is difficult at this point in life because, for instance, let’s take my high school sweetheart and I. He is married, a home owner, has a beautiful little girl, and a good job. I’m single, renting an apartment, with a lame job that I’m way over qualified for, and I own a dog. So who’s the loser? That boy calls me all the time. He loves his daughter and cares about his wife, but he didn’t want to marry her. She got pregnant when they were dating, and he constantly tells me he wants to be with me. His first Valentine’s Day as a husband and father, he tried to spend with me since it was what would be our anniversary. I have no regrets with him. I don’t look back and wish we tried again. I may be alone, but I’m not miserable because of our break up like he is. So does he win, as a married man with a family who is grounded and stable? Or do I win because I can look back and not regret? And does it even matter one way or another? OF COURSE IT FREAKING MATTERS!! Who wants to look back and say they lost in a relationship?! Not this girl.

3. Is it healthy to be best friends with an ex?
I’m a huge fan of How I Met Your Mother, if you’re not, you suck. Just kidding (kind of). But you should seriously check it out. Anyways, in this show Ted is best friends with his ex and a girl he had tried to date told him he would never have a functioning relationship as long as she was in the picture because he still cared about her. So that made me think further. Every ex that I’m still friends with has feelings for me. So am I a complete witch for having them as friends? I mean, we’re platonic, they know where I stand. But that doesn’t change the fact that they care and I can’t help but wonder if I am somehow hurting them still. I have absolutely no answer for this one. If you do, please let me know.  

4. Why does it take so long to get over an ex?
No matter who you are. No matter what you say. You are NEVER over an ex as soon as you claim to be. Ever. I think we say that we are to make others believe it so that one day we will also believe it. Some say that you’re never over someone until another person comes along to make you forget about them. I don’t think that’s true. That person is called a rebound. And when that relationship ends, you’ll still think of the original ex. And you have the other ex haunting you. Piece of advice I’ve learned: rebounds seem to fall in the category of “they’ll never be over you”. Avoid them at all costs. 

5. Why didn’t we see how perfect “the one who got away” was when we were with them?
My “one who got away” is absolutely perfect. He is stunningly gorgeous, brilliant, funny, laid back, and caring. Every time I saw him he had flowers for me. He even had some sent to me when we were apart. He was respectful. He opened every door for me and always told me how beautiful I was. He called me every chance he got- a wake up call, call on his lunch break, as soon as he got off work.. he was the most dependable and loyal guy I’ve ever met. And when I would give him a compliment, for example the fact he was gorgeous, he would scoff and make the most adorable face I’ve ever seen in my life. It always made me laugh. I called it his “flustered” face. We never fought. We’d go out or stay in. We’d watch game shows and compete against each other. We’d have dance parties by ourselves. We’d cook together. He was everything I wanted and more. I know what you’re thinking, “Dang girl, what’d you do to ruin that?” Well. I broke up with him. Yes. I know. I am an idiot. But I had convinced myself that one day he would wake up and decide he was too good for me (which I thought and somewhat still believe he is). But if I realized exactly how amazing he is at the time, I wouldn’t have broken up with him. I would have been happy and enjoyed it. What if he isn’t too good for me? I would be getting a ring now. That poor boy called my brother heart broken after I ended it. He had already told my brother he was going to propose. I’m an idiot.

Anyways, I guess what I’ve mostly been thinking of is will I ever find another guy like him? And should I tell him all of this? Or should I feel blessed to have met a guy this amazing, be thankful for what we had, and believe that something better will come along?

Either way, I know that one day I’m going to be a very happy girl.